By Vanessa Ugatti

Let me ask you a question.  If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?  I will give you my answer at the end of this article.

Over the past couple of years, I have been doing a lot of thinking and have had a number of insights.  Firstly, it has become much clearer to me that a lot of what goes on in my head is complete and utter nonsense - it's like an old worn out broken down record going round and round and round repeating the same old rubbish it has been churning out for years.  Although, according to the experts, we have something like 50,000 thoughts a day, most of them are not new.  In fact, none of them is new - ask yourself the question, "When did I last have a new thought?"  The chances are that you can't remember because you haven't had a new thought for so long!   What we have in our head are just opinions, perceptions and ultimately illusions - they may be our reality, at least for the time being, but they are not automatically the truth.  The truth is that your opinions, perceptions and illusions are a mixture of what you have been told by others and what you have interpreted, often as a child.  They are also what bind and limit you.  The truth is you are not your thoughts, opinions and perceptions, for they are just illusions.  The truth is that, if you but did know it, you are so much more!

The second thing I have realised more clearly is that all our thoughts determine our actions and reactions and therefore all our thoughts have an effect on ourselves and everyone we come into contact with.  There is a wonderful equation I came across some time ago which states:

E + R = O (Event plus reaction = outcome)

So, when an event, large or small takes place, we react to it and it is our reaction to the event which causes the outcome, not I repeat not the event itself.  This is a really important point to accept.  Our human problem is that we judge everything as good or bad, rather than just observing it and it is this judgement which creates discord and disharmony in our lives and ultimately makes us feel unhappy.  Although we cannot control everything that occurs in our lives, we do have the possibility of controlling our reactions.  So two people can experience exactly the same event or circumstance but the outcome will differ because their reaction to it is different. 

An excellent example of this was demonstrated in a recent television programme I watched about people with large port wine stain birthmarks.  The main character in this programme was a lady of 37 who had, from a very young age, felt extremely uncomfortable with her birthmark to the point where it made her very unhappy.  In her teenage years, she discovered camouflage make-up, which allowed her to cover up the offending birthmark to the point where it could not be seen at all and this at least gave her some measure of confidence.  However, she could not envisage a time when she could allow herself to be seen in public without her make up on and this made her feel like a prisoner in her mind.  During the making of the programme, she met a number of other people with birthmarks, including a younger lady who also had a similar sized birthmark.  This lady was married with two young children and had never worn any camouflage make-up nor had she ever had any negative feelings towards her birthmark.  In fact, she positively loved it.  She happily went out without covering it up and was extremely confident and contented.   Identical event, different reaction, different outcome. 

The older lady felt inspired by her new friend's attitude and they went out together one day to a busy shopping precinct; she was, as usual, wearing her camouflage make-up but the other one was not.  After some time watching the reaction of the public, the lady with the covered birthmark bravely decided to take off her make up and go into a shop on her own and buy something.  The feeling of euphoria and liberation she experienced afterwards was her just rewards.  Again, identical event, different reaction, different outcome and enormous personal growth.

The third point which I wish to discuss is anger.  I recently witnessed it as a tutor and this made quite an impression on me.  Two of the "students" on the course became angry and two other members of staff became embroiled.  I stood back and observed what was happening.  It was in the observation that I understood exactly what was taking place.  Firstly, I realised that in the past, I would have got involved and my own heightened emotions would have fanned the flames.  Also, I would have learnt nothing.  Secondly, I understood that anger was very often hurt or pain being inappropriately expressed but that once someone had started to get angry, that person needed to be allowed to express the anger, without interruption, until the anger died down.  Trying to calm someone down in such an agitated state usually doesn't work.  Thirdly, I observed the behaviour of the two other members of staff both of whom became emotional too and did not help to calm the situation down.  In fact, it is my belief that they made matters worse.  Later on that day, I felt able to give them feedback, without feeling attached to whether or not they took it on board.  This also felt like a breakthrough for me, because I had reacted to an event in a different way and in doing so had gained greater insight and experienced a different outcome.

Often our reactions to situations may be knee-jerk, so it is well worth bearing in mind that old cliche, "count to 10 before responding.  Knee-jerk reactions come from our good old subconscious mind which kindly regurgitates how we have responded to similar situations in the past, thus perpetuating the cycle. (Again if you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got.)   If, for example, your knee-jerk reaction to an event is to get angry, it's worth while counting to ten to give yourself the opportunity to think rationally first.   This then means that we can have a positive effect on the outcome by choosing a healthy option.  By doing this, we will also avert a potential argument or upset with someone which was quite unnecessary.  When someone presses your button or buttons, ask yourself what is the meaning behind what you are feeling, instead of allowing the knee-jerk reaction to express itself.  The chances are that you will find it is something to do with how you feel about yourself, since no-one can make you feel something that you do not already feel yourself.  Remember too, that whatever anyone says to you, it is still only their opinion and you don't have to believe it!  When you become aware of and stop those knee-jerk reactions, then you can change the outcome to events which occur. 

Ask yourself the question:  How many times do I react to something that is said or done in a way that does not make me feel good, or has a negative effect on another person?  Then ask yourself the question, "how does this serve me?"  I'm pretty sure that the answer to the latter question will be, it does not.  So the next time you are in such a situation, remember:

Knee-jerk reaction, count to 10, think again, then respond.

So where is all this leading? Well it is leading me back to the question I posed at the beginning of this article which was:

- If you could have anything in the world, what would it be? 

My answer to that is quite simply inner peace.  What greater gift can there be?  A huge mansion, a top of the range BMW or Mercedes, a luxury yacht?  All very pleasant and yet, none of these could possibly give you as much happiness and joy as inner peace.  And guess what, I believe that this is within everyone's reach.  But, if you remember nothing else, please remember E + R = O (Event plus reaction equals outcome) for I believe when you change your reactions to positive ones, you will be walking towards peace.