During my two-week vacation in the Gambia over Christmas and the New Year, I was fortunate enough to have been invited by a local to his parents’ home where he lived with his numerous sisters and nephew.  Shortly after arriving, he left the room to take a shower leaving me with his almost non-English speaking family (the children were learning at school.)  Very quickly they began to sing and dance, as only Africans can – it’s in every fibre of their being – and after a short while, I was asked to sing something.  Without hesitation or embarrassment, I chose a short, very beautiful song which I was happy to share with them.  Even though I knew that they didn’t understand the words, nevertheless, they understood the feeling.

I then encouraged them to sing and dance some more and I felt so at ease and confident that I joined in myself.  It was a really wonderful experience which demonstrated perfectly the power of non-verbal communication (facial expression and body language) as well as the fact that music and dance can transcend language barriers and bring connection between people from completely different backgrounds.  I felt absolutely in the moment and connected with my African sisters and could not have wished for a more authentic experience than this.

What I forgot to mention in the last blog is that we perform biodanza without speaking either during the dancing or between dances.  The reason for this is that in order to talk, we have to engage our mind and once the mind gets going, it can start to chatter and take away from the focus and purpose of the dancing.  However, as previously mentioned, there is plenty of non-verbal communication in the form of eye contact and smiling. 

This is hugely powerful and engaging and reminds me of three of the things I teach my clients when training them in public speaking.  First of all, the necessity of making eye contact with your audience, without which they will be much less engaged.  Secondly, the international language of the smile which will warm your audience.  Thirdly, the power of the pause (silence) when speaking.  I constantly see a lack of use of this amazing tool, mainly because presenters are uncomfortable with it and yet there is as much meaning in the silence, and sometimes more, than in the words themselves.  Just think of how comedians use timing and then pause to get that all important laugh.

If you want to be a really good presenter, become more comfortable with silence. Silence is, of course, the opposite of sound and without it (silence that is), sound would not exist.  In exactly the same way, when we speak, if there was no silence between the words, they would all run together in a cacophony of meaningless sound.  So when you are speaking, pause from time to time just for a couple of seconds and let silence speak to your audience.

This morning, I was a guest on Geoff Carter’s programme on Bay FM 102.8 discussing how I got involved in my public speaking training business.  In the past, I have been a guest on Radio Solent, Hope FM and also Forest FM radio stations, so am well versed in the procedure.  It is something which I really enjoy doing and is an opportunity to advertise my business for free. 

If you run your own business or have an interesting hobby, you might like to consider going on the radio.  If you haven’t done it before, let me put your mind at rest.  The presenters are experienced in handling guests and will make it easy for you.  Just be yourself, relax and enjoy it.  It’s just like having a conversation with a friend.

So if you haven’t done it before, give it a go.

While the words we speak are only part of the communication process, I cannot emphasise enough the need to avoid using, and particularly over-using, certain words and phrases.  Whether this be in public speaking or your everyday communications, these can at best dilute your message (known as word thieves) and at worst totally distract your audience from receiving your message.  Frequently the speaker is unaware of the fact that he/she is using these words, and therefore can do nothing to improve unless this is pointed out to him/her.  Some of the words I love to hate are as follows:

Ums/ers

Kind of/sort of

At the end of the day

Basically

Actually

Essentially

Effectively

Ums/ers are the most common problem with those who are unsure of themselves. If a speaker ums/ers very frequently, I find myself counting them which means I have missed what they were saying altogether.  Once a speaker is aware of these bad habits, it’s relatively easy to correct.  Replace ums/ers with a pause and simply omit the other words and phrases.

Which words or phrases most irritate you?  Do let me know.

On 28 November 2008, I decided it would be a wonderful idea to write about my personal journey through the death of my 2^nd parent, my lovely Father.  My purpose for this is twofold: to help me through the grieving process and to help others too.  I intend to do this in small bite size pieces, so that it can be more easily digested.

On 31 October 2008, on my return to the office from a 4networking breakfast, I picked up a message from my mobile phone.  It was from my sister and the message was:  “I’m sorry to tell you, but Daddy is dead.  Call me.”  My initial reaction was shock and disbelief.  How could this possibly be true?  It was Friday and I had only spoken to him the Monday before.  Shock and disbelief are, of course, perfectly normal in such circumstances, especially when the death is unexpected. 

Then tears quickly followed and a sense of panic set in.  I called my sister back and her answer machine kicked in. I felt annoyed by this. When she returned my call a short while later, she confirmed that he was dead, what the circumstances were and that he had been dead for over 2 days!  This set me off in tears again.  My mind started racing and making up all sorts of dreadful stories about whether or not he had suffered.   I pictured him dead in my mind and hoped that it had been quick.  The good news was that he had died in his own home and had not had to endure a long, painful illness.   Although this may seem quite bizarre, even on the day that I heard that my Father was dead, I somehow knew that good things would come from it in due course.

Right now, it is still very early days and it’s difficult to know what my emotions are likely to be doing, in the next 5 minutes let alone in days, weeks and months to come.  Believe me when I say, it doesn’t seem to matter how old you are (I’m 54), when a parent dies, the inner child is hurt.  Even though it is in the natural order of things, it is still extremely painful and is not easy to come to terms with.  However, they say that time is a healer and 4 weeks is no time at all.

If you read any personal development or, for that matter, spiritual book, they all say the same thing - your thoughts create your reality.  Why is that?  Because our thoughts are energy and our thoughts are therefore creative.  If we think only thoughts pertaining to what we desire, we will attract what we want to us.  However, if we think about what we don’t want, we will attract that too. 

The challenge is that we have been conditioned to think differently.  We’ve been brought up to think about our problems and be realistic.  This means that we are focusing on the effects of our previous thinking, rather than focusing on what we would like.  We live in a world of cause and effect.  Every action creates a reaction and since every action is preceded by a thought, if the thought is negative, it will create a negative action and therefore a negative reaction or result. 

If we look at what is occurring at the present time – i.e. the so-called credit crunch, this is created, maintained and increased by people talking about it, giving it more and more power.  If everybody stopped talking about the credit crunch, it would fizzle out.  Now I realise that this is a challenging statement for some people, so, if you haven’t yet read the book or seen the dvd, do check out The Secret – www.thesecret.tv.

I was standing on a crowded tube train squashed in like a sardine in a tin can, heading towards the Gare du Nord, one of the main railway stations in Paris.  I suddenly became aware that my handbag was open.   Quelqu’un a pique mon porte-monnaie (someone’s pinched my purse!) I exclaimed, panic and dismay sounding in my voice!  I scanned the crowd as if looking for answers but found none. Almost immediately, I was approached by two dark haired gentlemen (and I use the term gentlemen very loosely) who wanted me to go with them.  Although only 17 at the time and quite naïve in many ways, I instantly felt suspicious of them.  Were they the perpetrators of my stolen purse?  Had they stolen it for some ulterior motive?  My mind was racing and so was my heart!   Perhaps they were white slave traders whose intention was to whisk me away to some far-flung land and do evil things to me?  Almost without hesitation, I responded, “Allez-vous en, laissez-moi tranquille” (go away and leave me alone!).

I scurried away as fast as I could, my breathing fast and shallow, as I was afraid they might decide to follow me.  Eventually, I arrived in the Gare du Nord and only then did I feel safe enough to stop and take stock of my situation.  And what a situation I was in!  I was a foreigner in a foreign country.  I had no money.  I had no train ticket.  How on earth was I going to be able to get back to the family I was staying with outside Paris?  I just stood there looking utterly helpless, fear and panic written all across my face.  I just didn’t have a clue WHAT to do!  I must have looked a really pathetic sight for shortly, almost as if by magic, a kindly looking gentleman in his late 50s appeared before me.  Qu’est-ce qu’il y a ma petite?  (What’s the matter little one) he asked softly.  Through sniffles and sobs, I explained “someone has stolen my purse and I have no money or ticket to get back home”.  I don’t know what to do.  Allez ma chere, ne vous inquietez pas – there, there, my dear, he cooed don’t worry.    Where do you want to go, he asked?  I’ll buy you a ticket.  And with that he strode to the ticket desk and paid for my fare.  I thanked him profusely promising to refund him as soon as I got back home.

Phew – that was a narrow escape, I thought as I looked for the appropriate platform.  Oh no, I exclaimed in my head – the train was going to be an hour late and the family were due to pick me up.  They would definitely be anxious if I didn’t turn up on time not to mention somewhat disgruntled.   Never mind, I would give them a call – after all there was plenty of time.  Zut alors, I cursed.  How could I possibly call them when I didn’t have a single penny on me, or should I say centime!

OK, Vanessa, I murmured under my breath, you can sort this small problem out.  I was psyching myself up.  After all, you have got over one major hurdle, so you can easily resolve this.  However, I decided that this time, I would take control!  I began walking up and down the platform, surreptitiously scrutinising the numerous passers-by, searching for a likely looking subject.  After all, I mused, there was bound to be someone willing to rescue a damsel in distress.   Eventually, I selected a suitable looking candidate – a youngish, well-dressed man - and summoning up all the courage I could muster, I approached him.  In my very best French, and with head slightly bowed, I recounted the events of the last half hour or so and finished by explaining that I needed to make a telephone call, but obviously didn’t have any money.  I was hoping upon hope that he would save the day.  I was not to be disappointed.  He dug into his pocket, and I heard the reassuring jangle of coins.  He then escorted me to a nearby phone booth and instructed me in the intricacies of the French telephone system.  Once I had spoken to the family, he then whisked me off to the station buffet for a much-needed cup of tea.  As I stepped on the train, he waved me good-bye and I breathed an enormous sigh of relief.  What a lucky girl I was.

And the moral of this story is twofold:

1. Always take great care of your purse, especially on crowded tube trains.

2. Never, ever let the few rotten people in the world blind you to the fact that the majority are honest, kind and genuine.  For it is my belief that most people are intrinsically good.