Richard Wilson, of One Foot in the Grave fame, recently presented a programme on death entitled “Two Feet in the Grave.”  He gave us a whistle stop tour of the industry including coffin makers, embalmers, the cremation process and burials.  He admitted that, at the age of 72, he was still fearful of death and has done nothing to plan for it. 

It seems that he, like me, believes that death is still a taboo subject and that people are more fearful of it now than they were in the past.  This may well be due to the fact that we have little or no experience of death as we are growing up, whereas in years gone by, people were dying more readily and at a younger age.

In addition, traditions have changed significantly and less people actually die in the home.  In the past, most people died at home and the body was kept there for people to view right up until the day of the funeral when the undertakers would come and collect it.   Furthermore, it was not uncommon for photos to be taken of the dead person and then put on display.  Some old photos were shown on the programme and included young children in the picture.  With the advent of the “nanny state” and excessive health and safety laws, the whole death process has largely been taken out of our hands and put into those of the “professionals.”  Therefore, it’s hardly surprising that we’re scared to death of it, if you’ll pardon the pun, as it’s the fear of the unknown. 

Becoming more familiar with the various processes should help to ease the worry about death.  Moreover, it is the one sure thing in life – it happens to all living things and therefore it makes sense to face up to it.  For those who believe in life after death, death is merely the doorway to the next life.  The body may be seen as a vehicle which the driver discards at death and moves on to a different circumstance.  Death in this case is purely a transition.

I don’t know if you remember, but when you were a little girl or a little boy, it’s likely that you doted on your parents and hung on their every word.  In fact, you thought that everything they said was the gospel truth – they were like gods!  Then, not so many years later and certainly by adolescence, somehow your parents had become quite idiotic. In fact, almost over night they seemed to have lost all reason. Virtually everything they said was absolute nonsense.  They didn’t seem to have a sensible word between the two of them.  And everything was about what you could or couldn’t do, according to some archaic rules, which should have been eliminated long ago.

And then you reached your 20s, and you might occasionally have deigned to listen to something they said and think it was just about OK.  You matured and as you did, you began to realise that they were not quite as daft as you had thought.  You understood them better and quite a lot of what they said actually made sense.  When did they change? 

By the time you reached your 40s, you started being concerned about the same sorts of things as they were all those years ago.  If you had children, which I didn’t, this might have begun earlier.  Certainly by my late 40s, I started being concerned by the volume of rubbish I saw discarded in my yard or the streets and actually started picking it up and throwing it in bins!  Around this time, I realised, to my horror that I was turning into my Mother!  I even considered having a t-shirt saying “Oh My God, I’m turning into my Mother” but decided against it as I didn’t want anyone to know.  Well, now the cat’s out of the bag and since both my parents are dead, I feel that it is now not only a right but my duty to pick up the gauntlet where they left off and fight for law and order, for discipline and of course “bring back national service.”

I know that the human race is going through very difficult times at all levels right now - economically, socially and even spiritually.  However, truth is truth and never changes, no matter what dramas are playing out on the world stage. 

Consider this.  If you are in a room which is pitch black and you can see absolutely nothing at all, all you need do is strike one match.  The light created by this one match will be sufficient for you to find the door and leave the room.  However, if you are in a room which is fully lit and there was such a thing as a match which created darkness, the striking of one of these matches in a lit room would have no impact on your vision whatsoever.  Therefore, light is much much more powerful than darkness.  So if you ever find yourself in a dark place in your mind, just visualise striking one match and this simple act will bring you enough clarity to lead you back to the light.

I recently received an email from a best friend from schooldays who I hadn’t seen in around 5 years.  She had received an email from Friends Reunited which had prompted her to think of me. She then googled me and of course found my website.  About a week later, we found ourselves walking along Boscombe seafront happily chatting away as if we had been meeting on a regular basis for a long time. 

Naturally, we caught up with what had been happening in our lives and then, unsurprisingly, we drifted back to our youth and chatted about all sorts of things.  Quite unconnected with anything that we had been saying, just as we were leaving the Urban Beach Restaurant in Boscombe, I said – “You had a party in your garage” and she said yes and I added “and there were gatecrashers.”  Yes, she said, quite taken aback, you are right!  Since this was apropos of nothing in particular and I didn’t consider my long-term memory that great, I have to say that I was surprised, particularly as the party in question would have been around 37 years ago.

Of course, if you understand that the subconscious mind is like a computer and stores absolutely everything that it sees, hears, touches, tastes and smells, then you will understand that all past events are in the memory and it’s just a case of accessing them.  While nothing that we had been saying had been an obvious trigger to me consciously, clearly the subconscious mind was back in that era and just general discussions of that time must have triggered this particular memory. 

The memory is truly an extraordinary thing isn’t it?

If you’ve been following my blogs, you’ll know that my Father died suddenly a few weeks ago – my ex husband died unexpectedly 6 weeks before him and then my aunt (my Father’s sister) about a month ago in January.  One by one the lights went out, until I could see no lights – not even a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I’m extremely happy to report that in the last 10 days or so, I have started to turn the corner and realised that now I can see not just one light but several lights at the end of the tunnel.  Yes, I am still working through the grieving process and yes, there is much to encounter in the weeks to come.  However, now I am looking forward to going through this process and welcome it, including the pain.   Remember, what we resist persists!  (I expect I have written this phrase before.)

This is a huge change in my perception of it from anger to acceptance.  I can now have some tears when I want to and accept them merely as part of the healing process.  Even in the last week or so, I have felt, on occasions, almost overwhelming gratitude towards a number of people, warmth and affection not to mention ebullience.  In the background, I know that there is still sadness but the thought of life without my Father no longer appears impossible. 

Grief for me is felt keenly and yet I know that the healing and growth it will bring in the long run will be well worth while.  Many people report that, through the process of adjusting to a loss, they have, in some way, grown and become a stronger person.

I was recently in Sewards, getting a headlight bulb replaced.  After waiting three quarters of an hour for the job to be done, despite having booked an appointment, I approached the lady who had originally served me.   She was on the telephone and looked quite harassed.

When she put the phone down, wanting to mop her fevered brow and show concern for her, I mentioned that she looked rather stressed and asked her what the matter was.  She immediately opened up and said that people didn’t listen to her.  Without a moment’s hesitation I said, no, it’s not personal to you, people just don’t listen!  It looked as if she took that on board.  It’s easy for us to believe that other people’s inconsiderate behaviour is something to do with us, when in actual fact, it’s their issue.  Of course, if we choose to make it personal, then we will suffer, which will do absolutely nothing to change the other person’s behaviour.  How crazy is that?  And yet, we’ve all done it, haven’t we?

Remember one of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quotes: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  She was a wise woman and of course she was absolutely right.

For a long time, I had been intending to get hold of a copy of Dr Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” as he had frequently been quoted in  personal development books.  Finally, I did, and I was not disappointed.

In the preface, it says: “In his book, Dr Frankl (a psychiatrist) explains the experience which led to his discovery of logotherapy.  As a long time prisoner in bestial concentration camps, he found himself stripped to naked existence.  With the exception of his sister, his entire family perished in these camps.  How could he with every possession lost, every value destroyed, suffering from hunger, cold and brutality, hourly expecting extermination – how could he find life worth preserving? …”

And yet he did.  Day after day, and week after week.  It’s a moving and inspiring story.  For me, his most meaningful quote is:

“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”   

I absolutely love police dramas, although sometimes find them a little gory for my liking.  What never ceases to amaze me is how often there are messages and insights of a meaningful nature, contained within such programmes, if only we listen very carefully.  Perhaps you have noticed this too?  Having been an analyst of human behaviour for a very long time, I’m definitely open to receiving them.  Or perhaps it’s because I am more sensitive while going through the grieving process. 

Anyway, recently, there was one such ‘message’ which struck an immediate chord.  It was from the series Dexter and was particularly poignant. It went something along the lines of – if the eyes are the window to the soul, then grief is the door.  WOW!  Although a very painful process, I do believe that ultimately grief brings depth of character and understanding which would not otherwise occur.  Perhaps it enables a person to connect not only with their own soul but also with the souls of others?

This morning at Science of Mind (www. scienceofminduk.org), I heard a wonderful story.  In public speaking, stories are, of course, one of the best ways to get an important message across.  So, if you’re sitting comfortably, I’ll begin.

A farmer had a donkey and he also had a well.  One day, the donkey fell down the well and started to cry for help.  The farmer discovered that the donkey had fallen into the well.  He also noticed that the well had dried up.  He pondered the situation for a moment and then came to the conclusion that, as the well was dry, he might as well fill it up with dirt.  He called his neighbours to come and help him. 

The neighbours arrived and they all began shovelling dirt into the well.  When the donkey realised what was happening, he naturally became frightened.  Then he decided to look at the situation again.  Each time a shovel of dirt landed on his back, he shook the dirt off and stepped on it.  Although, the farmer and his neighbours saw what had happened, they kept throwing dirt down the well.  Again the donkey repeated the action of shaking the dirt off his back and then stepped on it.  Eventually, the donkey was able to step on to terra firma and then trotted away. 

The moral of the story is of course quite simple.  Whatever challenge you may have in your life, there is always more than one way of looking at it.  If we can accept everything which happens to us, no matter what it is, then we will have the opportunity of seeing the good in it and therefore be able to find a positive outcome.  As a good friend of mine always says, “what’s right is always available, as well as what’s wrong.”

If you have ever attended one of my seminars or talks, you will have understood that I focus a lot on the mind; the reason being is that the majority of people are nervous to some degree or other about speaking in public.  While this is very commonplace, wouldn’t it be great to know that there is something that you can do about this which is as easy as falling off a log?  Well there is.  It’s call “state management.”  This, in simple terms, is managing your emotions.  And the way to manage your emotions is by managing your thoughts.

A straightforward illustration of this is, as follows. When coming out of the Curves gym in my local area the other day, I saw a white Staffie.  Being a great dog lover, I bent down to talk to him and receive his ebullient greeting.  What a gorgeous creature he was – full of the joys of spring (despite this cold snap!) and happy to greet me like a long lost friend, even though we had never met before. 

In an instant, my focus had changed and was 100% on the dog.  Whatever I had been thinking about before had vanished into thin air.  Although this was an external event which had changed my thoughts, we can imagine anything we want at any time.  So next time you feel scared about speaking in public or anything else for that matter, just focus on something completely different which makes you feel good – I guarantee that it will work.