For a long time, I had been intending to get hold of a copy of Dr Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” as he had frequently been quoted in  personal development books.  Finally, I did, and I was not disappointed.

In the preface, it says: “In his book, Dr Frankl (a psychiatrist) explains the experience which led to his discovery of logotherapy.  As a long time prisoner in bestial concentration camps, he found himself stripped to naked existence.  With the exception of his sister, his entire family perished in these camps.  How could he with every possession lost, every value destroyed, suffering from hunger, cold and brutality, hourly expecting extermination – how could he find life worth preserving? …”

And yet he did.  Day after day, and week after week.  It’s a moving and inspiring story.  For me, his most meaningful quote is:

“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”   

I absolutely love police dramas, although sometimes find them a little gory for my liking.  What never ceases to amaze me is how often there are messages and insights of a meaningful nature, contained within such programmes, if only we listen very carefully.  Perhaps you have noticed this too?  Having been an analyst of human behaviour for a very long time, I’m definitely open to receiving them.  Or perhaps it’s because I am more sensitive while going through the grieving process. 

Anyway, recently, there was one such ‘message’ which struck an immediate chord.  It was from the series Dexter and was particularly poignant. It went something along the lines of – if the eyes are the window to the soul, then grief is the door.  WOW!  Although a very painful process, I do believe that ultimately grief brings depth of character and understanding which would not otherwise occur.  Perhaps it enables a person to connect not only with their own soul but also with the souls of others?

This morning at Science of Mind (www. scienceofminduk.org), I heard a wonderful story.  In public speaking, stories are, of course, one of the best ways to get an important message across.  So, if you’re sitting comfortably, I’ll begin.

A farmer had a donkey and he also had a well.  One day, the donkey fell down the well and started to cry for help.  The farmer discovered that the donkey had fallen into the well.  He also noticed that the well had dried up.  He pondered the situation for a moment and then came to the conclusion that, as the well was dry, he might as well fill it up with dirt.  He called his neighbours to come and help him. 

The neighbours arrived and they all began shovelling dirt into the well.  When the donkey realised what was happening, he naturally became frightened.  Then he decided to look at the situation again.  Each time a shovel of dirt landed on his back, he shook the dirt off and stepped on it.  Although, the farmer and his neighbours saw what had happened, they kept throwing dirt down the well.  Again the donkey repeated the action of shaking the dirt off his back and then stepped on it.  Eventually, the donkey was able to step on to terra firma and then trotted away. 

The moral of the story is of course quite simple.  Whatever challenge you may have in your life, there is always more than one way of looking at it.  If we can accept everything which happens to us, no matter what it is, then we will have the opportunity of seeing the good in it and therefore be able to find a positive outcome.  As a good friend of mine always says, “what’s right is always available, as well as what’s wrong.”

If you have ever attended one of my seminars or talks, you will have understood that I focus a lot on the mind; the reason being is that the majority of people are nervous to some degree or other about speaking in public.  While this is very commonplace, wouldn’t it be great to know that there is something that you can do about this which is as easy as falling off a log?  Well there is.  It’s call “state management.”  This, in simple terms, is managing your emotions.  And the way to manage your emotions is by managing your thoughts.

A straightforward illustration of this is, as follows. When coming out of the Curves gym in my local area the other day, I saw a white Staffie.  Being a great dog lover, I bent down to talk to him and receive his ebullient greeting.  What a gorgeous creature he was – full of the joys of spring (despite this cold snap!) and happy to greet me like a long lost friend, even though we had never met before. 

In an instant, my focus had changed and was 100% on the dog.  Whatever I had been thinking about before had vanished into thin air.  Although this was an external event which had changed my thoughts, we can imagine anything we want at any time.  So next time you feel scared about speaking in public or anything else for that matter, just focus on something completely different which makes you feel good – I guarantee that it will work.

On my return from France just after Christmas, I took a taxi from Poole Railway station to my home.  I always sit in the front of a taxi for two reasons – firstly, because I used not to travel well in the back of a car and secondly, because it seems rude not to.

I recently heard a quotation from Winston Churchill as follows:  “When you’re going through hell, just keep going.” It struck me as very poignant.  Although the phrase “going through hell” sounds very negative, this is immediately changed into a positive when you focus on the word “through”.  It’s interesting to listen closely to what people say (as well as what you say to yourself) as it is such a strong indication of what’s going on internally.  If you are “going through hell” during the grieving process, remind yourself that “this too will pass.”  It is all about our perception.  Our perception depends on our focus, so change your focus and you change your perception.  Even if we change our focus to something positive for just one moment, that is one moment of peace which we have experienced and one moment of peace which we have contributed to the world around us. 

Let me give you a really simple example of changing focus.  I was in Sainsbury’s car park just before Christmas and was on my way back to put the trolley in the designated area when I passed an older lady packing the last items into her car boot.  I offered to take her trolley back for her (she was very happy for me to do this.)  She thanked me and wished me a Happy Christmas.  It took just one thought for me to do this very simple task and enabled me to focus on someone else’s needs.We live in a world that is constantly changing, moment by moment – it is the nature of our material world.  It cannot be any other way.  We are born into a baby’s body, then we grow into a little girl or boy, then we pass through adolescence.  At each stage, our body is different.  Next comes adulthood, middle age, old age and finally death.  Every living being goes through a similar process.  Even inanimate objects get old!

(NB:  Winston Churchill, despite his greatness, frequently suffered from depression, which he termed “black dog.”) 

I briefly mentioned in the second blog that the grieving process can include myriad feelings.  What I hadn’t mentioned is that, according to grief experts, there are four phases to the grieving process: shock, protest, disorganisation and reorganisation.  Within each phase, the following may be experienced:

Phase 1:  Shock

Numbness - a lack of feelings

Disbelief - it hasn’t really happened

Hysteria - uncontrolled emotional excitement

Euphoria - an irrational feeling of happiness

Unemotional - apparently unaffected

Thinking - slow, chaotic or can remain unaffected

Activity - slow, super drive or can remain unaffected

Suicidal thoughts - often related to wanting to join the deceased

Phase 2: Protest

Sadness - an all-pervading feeling

Anger - may be directed at the deceased for leaving, or at others who may be blamed for the loss; or may be a general feeling of anger and irritability

Guilt - ‘if only’, taking the blame for words spoken or not spoken, for actions done or not done

Fear - of own death, of survival, of inability to cope, of the futur

Relief - often after long illness

Yearning - the longing for the return of the lost person; may include a sense of presence, or seeing, hearing, smelling or feeling them

Searching - looking for the deceased, calling them or mistaking others for them

Preoccupation - with memories related to the loss; often include thoughts of how to recover the lost person, dreams and nightmares

Physical distress - chest pains, fatigue, tension, nausea, sleep disturbance, headaches, panic

Phase 3:  Disorganisation

Confusion - often a mass of conflicting, difficult feelings and thoughts

Apathy - void of feeling, indifferent to what is happening

Aimlessness - no sense of purpose, not knowing where to go, lacking motivation

Loss of interest - not wanting to do anything

Restlessness - and inability to relax or settle to any activity

Loss of confidence - fear of failure, fear of not coping

Low self-esteem - somehow of less worth without the deceased, and less able

Anguish - deep emotional and often physical pain

Depression - low, flat despairing

Anxiety - may be related to own mortality or to feeling there is no way out and no way of coping

Lonelines - often not assuaged just by the company of others, which may in fact be avoided

Concentration  Memory - often poor for the task at hand

Sadness - sometimes described as a better feeling following recovery from more intense depression

Loss of meaning - Why are we here?  What’s it all for?

Loss of faith - may be damaged or lost “How can God do this?”

Hopelessness - unable to see a good future and perhaps feeling stuck with no sign of change

Suicidal ideas - overwhelmed by hopelessness, depression and despair

Decreased Resistance to illnesses to illness - susceptibility to all sorts of minor and possibly more major

Phase 4 – Reorganisation

Developing Balanced Memories - developing a more realistic memory of the deceased, both good and bad aspects of their personality

Pleasure in  Remembering - enjoying memories, although still sad as well, but no longer just painful

Control over  Remembering - some choice over when and what to remember; no longer preoccupied with memories

Return to previous levels of functioning - a resumption of activities, interest, motivation and ability

Changed values - a different view of the relative importance of things; new insight

New meaning in life - a new sense of purpose

Having said all this, I wish to emphasise three things:

1) there is no timescale assigned to each phase

2) there can be movement backwards and forwards between the phases. 

3) your reactions and feelings are perfectly normal, even though you may not think they are. 

While it is certainly useful to be aware of this process, do not be overly concerned about whether or not your feelings fit into the stage that they are ‘meant’ to be in.  I know that mine don’t.

Approximately 6 weeks after my Father’s death, I went into the “protest phase.”  The first phase for me was nowhere near as painful as the second one.  In fact, I remember feeling calm on many occasions and told people of my Father’s death, almost as if I were saying something quite trivial.

If you have been following this blog, you will also remember that I suggested that it is a good idea not to judge whatever you are feeling and to just allow it.  Of course, this is easier said than done.  Looking back to the first phase, I was judging myself as doing really well. Funnily enough, other people were saying the same thing.  What I have found is that many people’s comments are just not helpful at all.  In fact, some are downright hurtful.  If you happen to be reading this and haven’t had a personal experience of loss, then please also pay heed.  If you want to support someone going through the grieving process, then the best way to do this is just to be a good listener.  Refrain from platitudes and judgemental comments, however well meaning.

So what have I been feeling?  For me, there are two key emotions – sadness and anger.  The anger has been very strong and widespread. Anger at my Father, my family in general, my niece, my friends, strangers  – at times, almost anyone and everyone that I come into contact with.  In fact, I was so angry one day that I slammed my bedroom door as hard as I could twice and screamed, it’s not fair.  I was then very tearful.  The tears I can handle – the anger is far more difficult, particularly in view of my age and sex.  Obviously females of my age were brought up to behave in a certain way and anger was definitely not on the agenda for girls!  What came to my mind was the nursery rhyme:
What Are Little Girls Made of?  (It’s strange how the first line starts off with “what are little boys made of?”, in view of the title “What are little boys made of?”

What are little boys made of?

What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails and puppy dog’s tails
That’s what little boys are made of

What are little girls made of?

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice

That’s what little girls are made of

What are young men made of?

What are young men made of?
Sighs and leers and crocodile tears

That’s what young men are made of

What are young women made of?
What are young women made of?
Ribbons and laces and sweet pretty faces

That’s what young women are made of     

Bearing in mind it must be 45 years since I heard this, it goes to show how ingrained this form of conditioning can be!

On a final note, if you are grieving right now, remember it is transient and this too shall pass.