I don’t know if you remember, but when you were a little girl or a little boy, it’s likely that you doted on your parents and hung on their every word.  In fact, you thought that everything they said was the gospel truth – they were like gods!  Then, not so many years later and certainly by adolescence, somehow your parents had become quite idiotic. In fact, almost over night they seemed to have lost all reason. Virtually everything they said was absolute nonsense.  They didn’t seem to have a sensible word between the two of them.  And everything was about what you could or couldn’t do, according to some archaic rules, which should have been eliminated long ago.

And then you reached your 20s, and you might occasionally have deigned to listen to something they said and think it was just about OK.  You matured and as you did, you began to realise that they were not quite as daft as you had thought.  You understood them better and quite a lot of what they said actually made sense.  When did they change? 

By the time you reached your 40s, you started being concerned about the same sorts of things as they were all those years ago.  If you had children, which I didn’t, this might have begun earlier.  Certainly by my late 40s, I started being concerned by the volume of rubbish I saw discarded in my yard or the streets and actually started picking it up and throwing it in bins!  Around this time, I realised, to my horror that I was turning into my Mother!  I even considered having a t-shirt saying “Oh My God, I’m turning into my Mother” but decided against it as I didn’t want anyone to know.  Well, now the cat’s out of the bag and since both my parents are dead, I feel that it is now not only a right but my duty to pick up the gauntlet where they left off and fight for law and order, for discipline and of course “bring back national service.”

For many years now, I have found that people with problems naturally gravitate towards me.  They find it easy to talk to me, sense that I am a safe, non-judgemental and compassionate person and they allow themselves to open up.  People often say “I don’t know why I’m telling you this; I don’t normally talk to strangers.”  It can happen in the street, in a shop, pub or restaurant – in fact, anywhere.   Although I am not qualified, I have been told that I am an instinctual counsellor and for me, it certainly feels a very natural thing to do and something which gives me great pleasure.  If someone has a problem, they’re usually stuck in a rigid way of thinking and talking to someone understanding can provide a new perspective on matters, which can then lead to a satisfactory solution.

An interesting aspect to all this for me is that there have been quite a few men with relationship problems who have needed to talk.  I sometimes think that it can be much more difficult for men, as they don’t tend to talk to each other about any emotional issues they may have – it’s just not manly.  Whereas, we ladies, take great delight in examining our emotions in minutiae – many of us could not survive without doing so!

However, one very recent event struck me as quite unusual.  I was having a carpet fitted in my sitting room and got chatting with the two young fitters.  One of them had to go back to the warehouse, while the other continued laying the underlay.   As soon as the first one had departed, the second one  started telling me that he had recently split up with his girlfriend and was looking for another one.  As he worked, the conversation continued and I endeavoured to offer him some new insight into his situation.  All too soon, his partner returned and the conversation necessarily came to an end.  Whether I was any help or not, I could not say.  However, what I can say is that it’s always rewarding to be of service. 

Following on from my previous blogs on the above subject, I am now in the eighth month since the sudden death of my Father.  How time flies.  I must say that my grieving is still dominating my life and continues to be very painful.  Tears are never very far away and can be provoked by the smallest incident or thought.  If I see someone who I haven’t seen since his death, it’s the first thing which comes to mind when asked what’s been going on.  That’s only natural though, isn’t it?  However, the more steps we take along the path of recovery, the better we will be in the long run.

Why the title “another nail in the coffin?”  Well, we recently sold my Father’s property.  Do not underestimate how emotionally difficult this can be to do.  Let me tell you what happened.  As the weather was so bad this winter, we didn’t bother to do anything about selling his house.  However, as we had to go to his sister’s memorial service at the beginning of April and this was in the same village in Norfolk where he had lived, we decided we would give it a shot and put his house on the market.  We went into a local estate agent on Saturday 4 April and signed a sole agency agreement.  The following Monday they went into the house to take the details and on Thursday of the same week, I received a telephone call to say that they had a cash buyer!  On 2 June, we exchanged and completed, just 2 months after we had put the property on the market.  How extraordinary is that?  It was fantastic from a practical point of view but, as one astute friend immediately understood, from an emotional perspective, I was just not ready.

Because of the distance, we had decided to get auctioneers in to clear the house so were spared that difficult task.  On the other hand, it meant that there wasn’t the opportunity to take time to sort through his things and decide if there was anything I wanted to keep.  So now, there is no house, no familiar things which he had for years, no refuge.  The message is finally sinking in that Daddy has gone and will not be coming back.  This is the hardest part to accept.

I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world and this, of course, is true in all areas of our life. 

For example, when I think about the matter of health, I have an extremely strange situation going on.  I know in my heart of hearts that I want to eat healthily and reap the rewards of doing so.  On the other hand, I have some bad eating habits which do not fit in with this goal.   

On the plus side, I don’t smoke or drink, nor do I drink tea or coffee.  In addition, I drink freshly prepared organic vegetable and fruit juices, drink plenty of water, eat raw garlic to boost the immune system and eat a reasonably healthy diet.  I also exercise regularly. 

On the negative side, however, I am having a mad, passionate affair with chocolate (rolos are flavour of the month) and I just can’t get enough of it.  So how can this unwanted behaviour be corrected?

I believe that the reason for this is in the mind, as everything starts with a thought.  The thought may be conscious or subconscious and is probably more often likely to be subconscious.  In my case, it’s centred around the loss of my Father and the fact that I do not have enough sweetness in my life. I’m trying to make up for this by filling myself up with chocolate.  If you have a bad eating habit, you may wish to try the following:

1.  Accept that you are choosing to eat ……. (fill in the gap.)

2.  Understand what the pay off is for eating the above. 

3.  Accept the potential consequences of eating it.

4.  Based on 1, 2 and 3 above, make a decision whether to continue eating it or not.

5.  To give up eating it, first of all, stop buying it.

6.  Create a new habit.  (Eating chocolate or any other ‘naughty’ food is just a habit and can be changed.) 

7.  Replace it with a healthy option, e.g. raw carrot (which is sweet), apple etc.

8.  Do some activities which give pleasure – e.g. listen to music, dancing, singing, meeting with friends, etc.

9. Notice the benefits of your new, healthy habit.

10. Reward yourself (not with chocolate, though.)