Today is the first anniversary of my Father’s death.  It seems extraordinary that a whole year has passed and I have survived.  So there is life after death!  I have to report that the extreme feelings of anger which I was experiencing have all but gone now and the tears have also subsided, although not completely disappeared.  There are still pockets of emotion which occur at odd times, perhaps triggered by a film, a piece of music or some other stimulus which prompts the memory.  As mentioned in previous blogs, the grieving process does appear to be cyclical rather than linear and therefore this is perfectly normal.

In the lead up to today, I thought that this day would not be different from those preceding.  However, I was wrong.  I do feel very emotional this morning and would just love to pick up the phone and call my Father.  However, I would also add that no matter how strong the feelings are when we lose a loved one, they do, by the very nature of time, diminish.  If you are recently bereaved, you will probably not believe this – I know that I didn’t and yet it’s true.  I remember a few weeks after my Father died having a dream.  It was very brief and showed a clock, a very distinctive clock which I remembered he had had at one time, although I couldn’t find it in the house when I went to look.  To me, it was clearly a sign from him to say that time heals.

More recently, as I have become aware that I think of him less than I did before, I have become upset at the thought that I could forget him.  What a fanciful and ridiculous thought that was!  How could I possibly forget the man who had been my Father for 54 years?  He will always be in my heart.

So if you are currently experiencing the first anniversary of a loved one’s death, or are recently bereaved, I empathise with you and wish you well on your journey through the grieving process.

As people had been telling me, it was an amazing experience, not only because of the number of people running but also because of the number of spectators along the way.  They provided much useful distraction and encouragement when the going got tough. From time to time, I thanked those who had turned out to support us for being there.  Without them, it would have been a much harder task. There were also various bands and music which helped keep our spirits up as well as people thrusting bottles of water into our hands as we passed.

The first mile went quickly as did the second and third.  Each time there was a milestone, I acknowledged it and said that’s great, another mile run.  This meant that I was focussing on what I had achieved rather than the number of miles still to run.  This seemed to work because after what seemed like no time at all, I was at the mid-way point (5 miles.)  Psychologically speaking, as well as physically, this was tough because I had only previously run a maximum of 5.625 miles, so I was unsure of my ability to run all the way.  (I was surprised at how many people were walking for part of the way.) 

At times, I was able to get back into the zone, as previously described in my last blog, where I was just concentrating on the running and taking each step.  Miles 6 and 7 passed and I noticed that I was starting to ache in the knees, the groin, the buttocks – you name it, and it ached.  And still I pressed on.  By this time, I was absolutely determined to run without stopping.  Then mile 8 and we were on the home stretch – just 2 miles to go.  This was particularly tough as we were then running right along the seafront with the wind blowing fully into our faces, making the running even more difficult.  Mile 9 – yes – I was definitely going to make it and then the countdown 800 metres, 400 metres and 200 metres.  I speeded up for the last few metres and was over the line.  Tears of joy sprang from my eyes as I understood that I had achieved my goal – to run non-stop all the way.   The cherry on the cake was that I had done it in 2 hours, 4 minutes and 45 seconds and according to my age group and gender, I was positioned 105.  If only my Father was still alive to hear this.

So, if you have a goal that you want to achieve, what are you waiting for?  And, if you want some support, call me on 01202-743961. 

In less than 48 hours, I will be in Portsmouth, participating in the Great South Run.  Although I’ve only trained for 12 weeks, it seems like forever.  It’s been challenging physically and challenging mentally.  People who’ve done something similar before all tell me that it’s a wonderful experience and that I will enjoy it.   Obviously I’ll be reporting back after the event.

 

One of the most enlightening experiences was a couple of Saturdays ago when I was running with my coach (she was on a bike due to a bad chest cough) along Bournemouth Pier for an hour.  On the second half of the run, I decided to increase my speed and was able to maintain it for the rest of the journey.  What was interesting was that for the first time, I found myself “in the zone”.  This means that my focus was purely on the act of running, of taking each step, rather than judging the running as difficult, uncomfortable, boring or any number of other interpretations which the mind likes to make up.  At the end of the run, I felt like a “real runner” whatever that means.  I felt positively powerful.  It is an enormous clue to say that when we get our mind into its rightful place – i.e. as a tool for us to use rather than us being its slave, then we can achieve whatever we want.

 

My challenge on Sunday, therefore, is to get back into that zone and be master of my mind at least for the duration of the run. 

 

 

 

Richard Wilson, of One Foot in the Grave fame, recently presented a programme on death entitled “Two Feet in the Grave.”  He gave us a whistle stop tour of the industry including coffin makers, embalmers, the cremation process and burials.  He admitted that, at the age of 72, he was still fearful of death and has done nothing to plan for it. 

It seems that he, like me, believes that death is still a taboo subject and that people are more fearful of it now than they were in the past.  This may well be due to the fact that we have little or no experience of death as we are growing up, whereas in years gone by, people were dying more readily and at a younger age.

In addition, traditions have changed significantly and less people actually die in the home.  In the past, most people died at home and the body was kept there for people to view right up until the day of the funeral when the undertakers would come and collect it.   Furthermore, it was not uncommon for photos to be taken of the dead person and then put on display.  Some old photos were shown on the programme and included young children in the picture.  With the advent of the “nanny state” and excessive health and safety laws, the whole death process has largely been taken out of our hands and put into those of the “professionals.”  Therefore, it’s hardly surprising that we’re scared to death of it, if you’ll pardon the pun, as it’s the fear of the unknown. 

Becoming more familiar with the various processes should help to ease the worry about death.  Moreover, it is the one sure thing in life – it happens to all living things and therefore it makes sense to face up to it.  For those who believe in life after death, death is merely the doorway to the next life.  The body may be seen as a vehicle which the driver discards at death and moves on to a different circumstance.  Death in this case is purely a transition.